Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Nat's Movie Cringe-Worthiness Scale

After wasting two hours of my life at this movie yesterday (but the kiddo loved it!), I've decided to formulate a new movie Cringe-Worthiness Scale. Of course, it will be a work in progress, and I'll cross-post at my own blog.

For starters, each of the following factors will be considered cringe-worthy:

1. Jason Lee starring in anything besides a Kevin Smith movie or in My Name Is Earl.

2. The use of lame montage sequences.

3. Live-action films with CG characters, especially cutesy rodents, that aren't from Disney and/or Pixar.

4. The soundtrack is better than the film.

5. Big Corporation Head is a lying, scheming jerk.

6. Biggest laughs are fart jokes.

We're off with a bang, considering Alvin And the Chipmunks is off the scale in each category:

1. You know, Jason Lee showed so much promise as a comedic leading guy in Mallrats. Sure, he was a prick, but you loved him anyway, kind of his portrayal of Earl on TV. In Alvin, he seems to try to rise above the material, but, let's face it, that's impossible.

The Chipmunks got famous! Here's a montage to prove it!
2. Montage sequences? I counted three, including one within the first 5 minutes of the movie. LAME!

Jason Lee sleeps with the rodents.

3. Combining live action and CG or traditional animation rarely works for me, but at least when Disney/Pixar is involved, it's creative and funny. These little rodents were just plain cloyingly annoying.

4. The soundtrack sucked, but it was still better than the film.

5. We get it already, movie makers! When little guy vs. Big Corporation, Big Corporation is always evil and Big Corporate Head is a dick. In this case, Big Corporate Head was phoned in by David Cross. I respect that, though, since he always admits he does this lame crap for the money. Still, he sucked in the movie. Very flat acting.

6. And, finally, fart jokes. I appreciate a good fart joke. Hell, one of my favorite movie lines is "I fart in your general direction." And the bean-eatin' scene in Blazing Saddles is classic! But, face it, fart jokes get overused. We have a new low here, with a chipmunk fart. How cute! Oh, puh-lease.

And so, friends, Alvin And The Chipmunks is my first 10 on the new cringeworthy scale! Congrats, Alvin and company!

You can use this handy little tool before you even hit the theater, too, to get the biggest bang from your movie-going bucks!

Remember, it's a work in progress, and I'll consider other cringe-worthy suggestions.
Note: Photos are from my crappy cell-phone camera. No worries, I didn't record the movie or anything like that guy did in Seinfeld.

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